Cover Artwork

epistrophobia (2016)
in abeyance
the dark beyond our fears

what if
what if not

a mask behind a mask

music and lyrics by t
all voices and instruments performed by t
mixed by t
engineered, recorded and produced by t at black box studios
mastered by juergen lusky at hofa studios
artwork by t
photography by katia tangian

lyrics (2015-2016)


 under a blackened sky far beyond the everyones i could have been i slid back into life and sold it everywhere i walked hastily breathing i entered my skin looser than ever in suspended sometimeses seems only yesteryear that we died a night defense position to be held inside

 and you were my valentine in a life in abeyance a perfect love as if behind glass in a crude exhibition of life on mars on the outskirts of nowhere asymptoting differance

suddenly summer hurled along on a piece of sky in kodachrome efficiency renders me ageless chemical insanity appraised by the poets a possible realness? or a real possibility?

 the day i can remember but i can't remember me i must have existed out there in space with  you a blind reminiscence of the grieve (you cannot ever tell this story noone can)

 i still feel everything you craved inside this whitewashed summer i'd understand it now except i don't want to those worn-out bywords and stolen epic gestures a rant of kisses despair in empty measures there s nothing new to this a telltale storyline unspoken promises bestilled suburban blight your alter egos i must have loved the wrong one lost at your outskirts a gap inside a setting sun

 do you believe me now? certain uncertainty a nameless undertow that sleeps your dreams fake the subtext (i m not my self) change my breed (i m just myself) so i'd be everywhere your life's corneal entelecheia ascertained and revealed fazed asterisms henkaipan's tears like failed state fallout ignore berate and steal

you bathe my soul in upper class neglect a trauma babysitter defiant of perspectives every thought a fortress a proxy war we end in burn my soul

i m the blind spot you run your shadow in the sun in murk and apathy of neophyte simplicity the stranger never seen not quite the same as me imperfect carbon copy a hastily charred body

inside my voiceless wail your words a perfect chain to strangle me in blather sentenced to now forever you say you love me i know you re wrong your resurrection team the dna of meaning reanimating ghosts from former words forsworn

my face shrived off its eyes a wound to mask your shrine better be alone forever than never your fingers wading blood a rock inside the flood disintegrating me to match your style (there s some things you re just not strong enough for)

when you find your enemy does your life make sense suddenly at the outskirts of everywhere a simple past my alter egos i killed the wrong one so i escort myself back into meaninglessness there is no silence like your absence just because i did it doesn't mean it happened just because i feel it it still might have died


 a poet's downfall no space to fill between your efficiencies your pasturized will no chance of dialogue just you designing me detecting a monster from inside your dogmatic spree  a dreamer's death toll a dilemma epidemy we squeal inside the reels of your proficiencies a downfall's poetry a face to spill designing soliloquies to meet prophecies

 so i scream undern an unborn sky for being too bright on the day that my world turned grey from the mords that you mouthed i scream under an unborn sky

 there s nothing simple in simple past it always runs from you so fast there s nothing simple in simple past when all it does to you is last (and i scream under an undead sky) inside a moonless night far away in a glaring streetlight a moth in infinity in a spiderweb plight only i can end this but it s so comfy down here inside my insignificance that i can blindly steer

so i scream under an empty sky for feeling too bright on the day that your words turned grey because i finally listened i scream under an empty sky in an epiphany of decay in a wish for its own denial

just because it happened doesn't mean i feel it just because i saw it doesn't mean it's there beyond the borderlines of what you dream about there is a reich that isn't there caught in a ballshaped box we re on the wrong side of life (i'm not my self i'm just myself)

if what we are is just the moment when becoming stops and when decay begins then it's not a moment so don't you dare persist in persisting and don't you dare refrain from refraining into our arms we fall like chainsaw addicts we wear each others' faces our selves rejected a bunch of wrong-way drivers our hopes behind their backs with fingers crossed in pockets the loss of lack

our stories linger inside our histories like self-made legends with automatic heroes urging us forward to believe in the ghosts we hide ourselves in to hide behind i'm not my self i scream under an empty sky i bleed under a bloodstained sky i cry under a blackened sky i shine in a moonless night i dream under an undead sky i fear you are my new moon shine i m hurled along upon a piece of night

in spite of all this there's peace as all that i had to do was steer steer our car off the bridge and topple into the void but all i did was open the door (and vomit into mud) in spite of all this there's peace when all i had to do was steer into darkness


(what if what if not) the story that i m in a prophecy of boredom not in this language not in that tone of voice not in this... whatever not in this... let me out here running backwards with half a smile in a self-restriction from you the story that i m in the boredom of a prophecy that was made from behind us in a lack of deceit all you claim is all you are is all you think is all you want is all you'll  find as it s all you'll look for

name your price apologize to synchronize to emphasize (you know that was) far beyond it (and let go of this) whatever it is (and you know) anyway i m not your god the hawk in the rain a spark to a flame in a frenzy of relaxation run straight through the bogeymen follow the gaps in her exaltation (so grow inside) away from it all? like the storms that you stole will i find you can i bind you to your self where nobody knows you were me 

and here i am my sudden king when you were ripped out of our tinge we were left behind bewildered admidst your seas can t drown nor swim how can i now keep my head warm? twinkle twinkle major tom? who ll now pave the path we re walking? will we have to grow up strong? we ll grow harder through the years straight through the tears in a flow like a film on a reel everything else is but nothing whatever you feel 

we watched the fire blazing that raged above our heads in every single craving in a ripple on the air while everything we came for a grinning sack of blood like the madman in the attic like a heart beneath the flood you justify the tears you cry with rhymes that die with every sigh your audience magnificient like rubbernecks asleep undead and never we shut up

yet so many times i tried to find a language that you understand and so many times i tried to stoop down to the phrases that you rant and oh so long have i been silent at the emptiness inside your well while you played the hero in your game my last regret

and there's a secret elevator behind the heartbeat of your voice the thirteenth floor of escalation a carcass dreaming of a choice like death removing all our bonds i dream of opening the doors that lead me down beneath all cities beneath the floor of all our floors where the light shines black as me monotonous in exaltation carving shadows into shadows and in the blackness a black star 

yet so many times i tried to find a way to rip you from the blind and so many times i failed when trying to point behind the setting sun it's only inside us it's nothing besides us it only desires us a yes that denies us it's only inside us let's get this behind us a fuck that unbinds us from all that we swore 

a collection of goodbyes we see the sunset fade into a sullen blur of entropic velocities i hear you talk about what i have talked about you are my yesterday i am your magazines if there can't be a god we are our everythings absolute in relatives relational in atavisms a border with no outside a circle with no line a dream within a dream without a waking time so 

come on let s go we ll fly into the sun like moths that flutter into the void we call light and a sudden rush of nothing and everything and whatever there is fills us with life or with death or whatever we miss if we are just us just here just now then these are certainties that we admire but can t allow just statements no vows no sewing just plows  sclerotic high brow


 the pilot s seat in this downage i ll be with you frozen into our own celebrities the death of an idol is its birth the end of the world is nothing else than a world of endings there s nothing to fear in this for us we re just the dust that seddled the sediments of our hopes in endless probability reforming in patterns whenever we look deconstructed into equations a cogitor ergo sum so you are my shadow if i am your soul which i am not which i am clearly not i am just you 

but then when i met you i never knew you back at all you looked like you were someone someone else i can t recall and old friend of an old friend i betrayed so i sat down beside you on a bench under the willows like a spy against a spy for the years that passed us by bereft of what we came for

whatever that might have been as if we were helpless which we were indeed we were at the outskirts of chaos in the eye of the storm like the bird in the golden cage waiting for death like a stone in the mud in methadon clarity a moment of intimacy of internal carnage and while we were talking of floating down the stream in a nutshell called the universe the puppet and the meme growing so much older than ourselves in that junk press of old memories of the borders that we set with every word a fortress to be slighted with regrets a poet s death in a room to let it s the same old debt

and then all of a sudden we re alone in the dark at the outskirts of infinity beyond that statue in hyde park and i know where you came from like you know who i might have been and our peace is a burden to be carried from inbetween i know i m not your hero yes i know that s understood in the last roll of thunder in the rush of our blood and yet i ll stay beside you i ll stand still i ll do for as long as it takes to fully remember you

 in that junk press of old memories of the borders we regret with every word a fortress for the slighted and deject) and before you get up with a nod of the head you tell me we ll be back and i know you re lying there s nothing to could come back to through this dawn of time only sighs

you stand in the shadow of your own posture and i as the spectator your alias eye in the downtowns of prosperity on the outside of redemption in a circle of nostalgia because the future is despair and then you re gone in a mist of goodbyes as if you were free to leave before we kissed there s a stone in the mud i see it when i vomit but i get up empty-handed what a waste of life 

whenever i speak in a language you don t hear i cast my words like a tree sheds its leaves and i watch them carried off by the wind to the sea where the dustmen have to collect them with a glee and though i know i m just one voice in the crowd and it s absurd that you should listen i ll keep it up and i ll eat up all the noise with every word a fortress to close me in

so we re not strangers anymore our love is friendship now there is no doubt you re real there ll be no doubt at all alas bad news i have so bad it makes me cry you ll see the devastation when you lose your alibi begot by a star face down in the clog

that rage above us from our gods and titans filling the hearts of all who listen  a heart that s been clogged a soul carved in mud so we re not strangers anymore alas bad news that is there is no doubt you re real no more so what this says is this there s an end to things to miss there s a bond in every kiss there s a meaning behind bliss and all our hopes empaled on lists 

the ghost of cities in your eyes the times we meant it when we cried nostalgia for a time we sighed when our own wishes were denied a longing for longing for longing for longing are you glad we finally made it? safe and sound inside our hatred can this finally keep us warm in a supernova sun?


(under a bludgeoned sky far beyond the no-one i am now i sat and listened les mots justes escorting me into needlessness) i understand it now this shame in my serenity amen sold for serendipity creeping through the silence in divide darker than the day the day you came (you re no stranger anymore) 

all is said and all is done and breakfast silence allday long cold heart jump start into boredom old stars bones scarred long forgotten all this emotion all this education in the end it all comes down to fascination (i want to walk out the door i want to run down the street into oblivion's soothing arms) 

will we laugh about those traces in the sand? our own footsteps that we follow beforehand can you see the tragedy in mimicking ourselves followng books we re showing off upon our shelves? and though i never knew who you were behind your tasks it was clearly me who wore the better mask  all is said and all is done and violent silence trudging strong cold sweat scordon into thralldom groped postmortem banes and stardom claimed and pardoned hold my head and fight for sleep while all we do is blame and weep find me in the dreams you keep hogtied on the course you steer i'm on your side i'm in your lies

 when you find your enemy life is meaningful suddenly in a whirl of redundancy blunt ascertainability the chaos of the senses dripping when we listen to you in your chide the slobber in your mouth resembles all the populists you re keen to cite installing cozy cushions padded with simplicity your idolize the transcendence of private hatred in the  momentarily dispatched self-reflexivity of humanism as you scream inside with your dialogue stage fright you scream and hide wherever you dight

and when the black pain sets in that s when we have to persevere that s when magic will happen when you face what you fear don t you strive for immunity to become who you were forget all your strategies your resistance bigotry don t become your own essays your own yesterday s thoughts 

away from it all we ll fly black stars in an endless night remind ourselves of the endless sight a mask behind a mask the light behind the light away from it all we ll fly a fractal of a circle of a sphere is all that might remind ourselves when we tried to hide behind behind 

and yes when the pain sets in that s when you back down again when you re led to your bleeding wounds when you re forced to feel your strain and you say that you re sick and i m not what you need and my talk is so cheap and i sure am a freak (but i won t let you go)

away from it all we fly a teardrop shed out of every eye reminds us of what the winds still cry we re more than what you can deny away no more moths to light there s nothing else in our way but spite down thunder road and mulholland drive we ll make it there and end this fight (the worlds that we share the truths that we dare the wind in your hair forever)

(so there s nothing new about this story there s something you ll never outgrow) monday s child in the gutter of a working model self the neophyte of androphobe traditions entelecheia on the bookshelves the queen of futility the princess of imposure your setting the setting in which the story continues you re playing my char while you talk to him you re taking the reigns and complain about direction you re speaking my voice and dream of intimacy that you erase by erasing me 

all is said and all has been done change is changed to still holding onto cold sweat nightmares 1000 yard stares dried-ou cascades all the hope you thought you had lost find them on the back of this farce don t long for would have talk of could have mourn for should have


 dear friend so glad you re back from holding the stance (avoiding me) i looked for you everywhere while finding you anywhere besides yourself  so i followed our quest with a tear and a jest (intentative pilgrim or self-acclaimed victim?) on the heath and in mirkwood in the mists of our childhood all of those paths i roamed made the vision sound so lonely on the brim let life come sinking in

all that is and all that is done raise it above you and carry it on you re the sum of your thoughts you re the world of your words you ll be god when you see what this means and deserves it s so lonely on the brim but that s where life comes sinking in so grow inside nowhere to run nowhere to hide soul growing light so let s close our eyes and run into the night 

old friend we ll be with you in the warmth in the shadows we ll be your light to see everything matters in the course of our universes we re the drift in your entropy endless incertainty the time of your lives the wave that you ride transcend in simplicity feel the wind here on the brim it s just your life you re floating in so grow inside no need to run no need to hide no goals no strive open your eyes it s just us and the night no thoughts no lies stop your performance be standing you by so grow inside forget who you are and become what you find (you ll find it s only time)

yet on second thought and behind the brim there s the abyss waiting and your hands keep shaking so you raise your flag and you wave it wide and you call your prophets and the ties that bind

it s not quite that easy you say from your point in your life as you say there s so much that stands in your way like psychology and traumas that stay you re afraid that you might feel afraid if there s no more burdens you have to be your own fate so any day now you ll regret what you said any day now you ll regret who i am and be gone talking to me is like esmoking pot running with me well that drains you a lot i m the mirror you re too ugly to look at i m the past that your nostalgia s no good at and you know i understand all this because you know i used to think quite like this but you re wrong like i was wrong

 and oh in the bright light of day it is all so rotten but it only is if you see it that way in a listless sun there is so much that you might find on your way into the night leaving the day and its creatures behind wide awake in the dawn astride keep it still and keep it silent off the brim as keen as pliant keep the fractures not the dreams 

under a blackened sky far beyond the everybodys reich we will slide back into life and sell it to everyone we ll find it seems only yesteryear that we were born because we were because we were dear friend so glad you re back so glad you re back face me erase me rephrase me debate me and hold me to scold me unfold me and load me failed state the fourth date a new phase the old haze the trauma to mourn her the scar that you stare at it s gone (see it in my eyes feel it leave the sky float above the ice believe it s all a lie) 

you know it s gone it s all behind us go where they can always find us and the sun on your face so misleading like the stars and the rain someones married you (above a blackened sky far beyond the everyones we were the void of a moonless night bathing in new moon shine) 

you re forgiven so you cannot be forgotten you re the spark that remains i knew you were wrong when you loved me doesn t mean it happened just because you felt it in the end there s just beginnings all that remains is our maybe waiting to wait for illusions of circles of spectres of spheres dream of me and i ll dream of you like a glow from afar if you feel we re emptyhanded that s because we are this is me by your side this is you by my side this is me by your side